A tale of two Toms…

I have lived a pretty easy life up to this point. Quite frankly, I could keep living it and I think that most people would say that I have it pretty good. I have a home to live in, two great dogs, a wife that loves me, a great family, amazing friends, and I can play video games as much as I want!

And yet, there is part of me that wants a completely different life. I see a life for myself that includes contribution, impact, helping people create more, learning, and challenging myself to leave an imprint on this world. That is what I say I want. That is what I tell myself that I want.

However, the two have not existed together. One is the life of comfort that I’ve fought so hard to have, no matter the mess I’ve made. The other is full of work, learning, pushing myself, taking risks, putting myself out there, putting myself in uncomfortable situations and facing the world head on at every opportunity. I have every reason to tell myself to not do it. I’m too old to make an impact. People are much farther ahead of me, others deserve it more. I’m not good enough. I’m sure someone else will figure it out eventually, why bother? Do I really want to give up the “ease” that I’ve created for myself?

And so, I am faced with a choice. The possibility of two different paths. Of course, there many possibilities in between those two. Still, there is a choice to be made. Making that choice determines the Tom that people will see moving forward. The most compelling part of this reflection is how different one Tom is than the other, but at the same time how similar they are. Both are a committed friend, husband, family member - and at the same time those relationships will feel very different. The people in the closest relationships might be different. People that I spent most of my time with or talked to most frequently may change drastically, or the people that I spent a lot of time with may not expect to see me as the person that I am choosing to become.

For me, this is one of the hardest parts of the change. I grow attached to people very easily. Those that I choose to hold on to, I really don’t like to let go. The idea that I’m not the same person for someone, interestingly, makes me want to be the same person. Even though that person might not be the person I want to be any longer. I spent a lot of time in my youth, junior high and high school, feeling like the odd man out or like I didn’t belong. I think, for that reason, I really hold on to friendships because it means a lot to me when people show that they outwardly care about me or have a desire to be in connection with me. Even though it has happened, not necessarily by choice or on purpose, I have grown apart from people over time. That is a natural part of life. It’s much different to do it purposefully, or to expect things to look the same while life changes dramatically.

I want this different version of myself, and yet I feel like who I have been is dying. Much like a friend, I’m having difficulty letting that version of me go. What I get to work on is that I am still, at the core, myself. I am just making choices that are more in line with the person that I want to be. Taking actions that line up with the direction that I want my life to go. If friendships fade those people will continue to live. It’s not personal on my part, it’s not personal on their part. It’s just life. It has happened before and it will happen again. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love them, it just means that life looks different now. That is ok. The one thing that we can be assured of in this life is that things will change. People will change.

It’s not right for me to put my life on hold because I don’t want to upset someone else that probably isn’t even thinking about me in the first place. I get to do what is right for me, and what is important for me. I am grateful for the Tom that I was, because it got me to the Tom that I am now. I look forward to meeting the Tom that I become because that guy seems pretty exciting too.